i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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