my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
