I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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