Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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