please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
