i was born a porn star she said
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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