oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
