You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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