So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
