apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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