just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
