Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
