Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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