I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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