I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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