You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
