shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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