i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
