If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
