I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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