She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
