I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
