Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
