No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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