I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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