im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize