Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize