you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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