A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Quick, to the slutcave!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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