He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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