If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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