I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
