I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
