my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
