Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
