there's paper in my vomit.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
