I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
