her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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