How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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