i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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