I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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