I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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