Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize