Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
