Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
