I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
