I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
