you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
