i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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