Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize