i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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