until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
