Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
