No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
