I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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