I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
