well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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