I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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